When was the last time you said something along the lines of the following?
“You make me so angry.”
“He hurt my feelings.”
“They are idiots.”
“S/he made me late/frustrated/upset/crazy.”
“You are such a jerk for leaving me.”
“S/he drives me crazy.”
“____ is ruining my life.”
“You spent too much money and made me ____.”
Most people proclaim blaming statements dozens upon dozens of times per day. Here’s the glitch though: as you blame others for your experience of life, you also play the victim and the martyr. Which inevitably echoes, “poor me,” “I can never catch a break,” “I always choose the wrong ____,” “I have terrible luck,” “The world/work/a friend/the government/my family) is against me,” “If only s/he would act a different way, I could be happy/calm/at peace/ successful.” These sentiments might not be at the forefront of your mind, but they are the puppet master in the background pulling the strings of negative emotion.
I’ve got a truth bomb for you darlin’: you and you alone are responsible for your experience of life.
No one drives you crazy. You drive you crazy with the thoughts YOU choose to think about others. No one made you late, because you have the choice to leave, or go ahead on your own at any time. No one can hurt your feelings unless you agree to have them hurt or you agree with what the other person has said. And certainly no one can MAKE you angry, though you might have a loaded anger gun that is ready to have its trigger pulled at any moment.
I mean really, the whole idea of, “S/he MADE me ____,” is absurd when you think about it. Did someone hold you out over a cliff and tell you that you can’t come back in until you demonstrate anger, tears, and so on? That seems very unlikely!
And so the truth of the matter is YOU are 100 percent responsible for how you choose to perceive, project, interpret, think, feel and behave. Sure, owning that responsibility requires practice. And you will no longer receive the sweet, righteous justification of blaming. But you will end up with far greater rewards:
Peace, joy, love and ease…
Where there is blame, there is attack, punishment, aggression, resentment and disconnection. Life today is fraught with blaming, and blaming is always damaging and disempowering.
Blaming is also always a lie.
Unless you have literally, physically had something done to you, then you are not a victim. Each person holds the opportunity to stand in the space of profound choice at all times. That is, unless you choose to stand in the space of blaming, victimhood, martyrdom and fear instead. Still, you are at liberty to choose.
People often ask Chris and me three main questions:
“What is your secret to such a joyful, playful, vulnerable, loving, passionate, beautiful relationship?”
“Why do you always seem to be so in love and happy?”
And my favorite question, “Is your relationship real, or an act?” Ha ha!
The “secret” to our completely magical, authentic, adoring, unconditionally loving, no conflict relationship is that there is absolutely ZERO blame. We live in a blame free relationship (and life). It is just that simple.
Where there is no blame, there is no anger, nothing to resent or fighting to be had, no proving one’s point with pride or bullying…there is just love, kindness, adventure, living on the edge of the present moment and virtually no conflict of any kind.
It is magic. It certainly feels like magic and miracles every delicious day!
It’s not difficult, and it certainly isn’t rocket science. It is merely a different way to practice life.
Chris and I practice taking 100 percent responsibility for our experience of life, and the results are profound. We live primarily in emotional freedom. Did you know that more than 80 percent of the population is upset in some way more that 80 percent of each day? Can you imagine how much of that upset is due to BLAME? Spoiler alert: most.
Wouldn’t you rather live in constant joy with your partner, family, work and, well, the whole of life? Psst…it’s WAY more fun!!!
In fact, anyone who is willing to practice a new habit can learn to live in total joy!
Three Habits to Blame FREE Living and Emotional Freedom
Start with “I”
When you are feeling negative in any way and feel inclined to blame or direct it toward another person, do your best to begin ALL sentences with “I,” while omitting words like “they,” “them,” “you” and so on. This new practice will be very difficult at first and might even feel impossible. Especially when you are upset! Practice when you are happy so it will be easier when you are emotionally compromised. Here are a few examples of how to begin dialog:
Choose Your Story Wisely
One way people tend to get very bogged down and begin blaming is during the creation or telling of big dramatic stories! For example:
“OMG Kim, my co-worker, Mindy, is such a ____. She did ____, and I am so pissed. Can you believe that? The nerve of that woman…”
Sound familiar? It’s like the urge to indulge the inner 13-year-old who is dying to gossip to her girlfriends at school is alive and well and thriving. But, to what end? This kind of dramatic crap is not useful and it certainly doesn’t feel good, though you might feel justified! It does not build trust with the person you’re speaking with; it actually diminishes trust. It most certainly illuminates one’s propensity to play the victim and behave as a martyr.
This kind of drama story is destructive. It’s gossipy. It’s judgmental. It’s mean. And sadly, it is a full illumination and projection of one’s own self doubt, fear, shame or guilt. It’s OK: don’t feel bad. All of us are human and have some growing and learning to do! Here’s your chance to level up your emotional game.
If you are going to tell stories, make sure they are fun, inspiring, helpful, loving or useful. Choose your stories wisely.
This is where the rubber meets the road. Holding yourself accountable is practiced far less than blaming and therefore feels less natural. Holding oneself accountable for one’s own actions, feelings, words and reactions is a practice that takes time to master. I have been practicing in increasing degrees for 18 years now. It has been excruciating at times but the most worthwhile endeavor.
As you navigate future upset of ANY kind, consider the following three questions:
What role did I play in this situation?
How could I choose to respond/interpret/perceive this situation such that it would be a positive experience for everyone?